Still feeling like fucking shit. This is not exactly how I envisioned my blog starting. It's totally lame...I know. But I can't help it. My mouth is still terribly terribly sore. Granted, I think it has improved since this time last week...but then I'm not completely sure. I'm still nervous as hell that there is something significantly wrong with me. Why would an allergen stick around so long? But then again, maybe the allergen is in the air and just won't leave. I honestly don't know. I feel fine otherwise, so I'm hoping for the best possible outcome.

In other news...I saw my Christy-belle for the first time in like a million years last night. We visited our old dinner spot..the Red Robin. Classy gals, I know. It was fun. We had catch up time and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

On Sunday I'm taking my kid sister out for lunch to celebrate here birthday and the beginning of middle school. I can't believe how old she's getting. It's totally insane. She was a baby not that long ago. Ah, how time passes. Anyway, I haven't seen her in forever either, for reason I'll discuss another time. But I'm very much looking forward to it. She is undoubtedly one of my most favorite people in the world.

And that's it for now. That's about all the enthusiasm I can muster at the moment.

Pray I don't stay Lame for much longer.......

I thought this would be a good place to vent my frustration. I thought it would be a fitting arena where I could lay down all my crazy thoughts and attempt to make some kind of sense out of them. Find the logic in the middle of all this chaos.

Evidently not.

The truth is I just want to sleep. Sleep sleep sleep. I don't have the energy or enthusiasm to try and sort out what's going on with me.

I haven't hit this level of despair in a very long time. I have no opinion, no feelings, and no regard. Towards anything.

I'm almost completely numb...and I just don't care.

So, I'm blogging again. I figure it would be best to just jump right into it instead of beating around the bush. Why do the whole, "welcome to my first post...blah blah blah" bullshit. The words are here now and the present is all that really matters. Yesterday was yesterday and the future is technically out of our hands so why bothering worrying about it. Which, ironically, is a great transition into today's little chat. Worry. It's all I seem to do lately. And between you and me and the great vastness that is internet blogging, I think it is truly beginning to have a negative effect.

Not that there isn't a lot of valid things to worry about. There is.

For one, this unknown allergen that is ravaging my mouth. Gross? Hell yes. Painful? You better believe it. Scary? Uh-huh. Hell, I'm not even sure it IS a allergen. This "thing" started last week at this very time and has continued to get progressively worse. One small red bump has turned into my entire bottom lip swelling to the size of Angalina Jolie's...along with ripped, raw, peeling skin. SO gross. And it hurts. It hurts to laugh, it hurts to smile, it hurts to eat.
Lucky for me, I just happened to have a dermatologist appointment last thursday, and with one slight glance of the eye my doctor determined it was an allergen and prescribed me some medicated ointment to put on it. This "ointment" of course says directly on the box "do not put on mouth," but what the hell do they know, right? (Worry some more...what will the effects of this have on me?) So, I've put in on now for three days and there is a slight, let me repeat that for effect, slight improvement. And to be honest, I barely even see that.

*shakes head in disbelief*

I'm beginning to think I'm cursed for life.

Dramatic? Yes, I am.

But honest. I'm scared to death. What the hell is going on with with me? Never mind the fact that I have to show up at work and go out in public looking like a freak. A disease-ridden freak, mind you. But I'm left to constantly wonder (one could say worry) if I'm treating this problem with the right cure.

Impatient? Yes, I am. I want results and I want them now.

And now...to make matters worse...I've got three huge red spots right above my lip and directly below my nose. NOT GOOD. You see, I've battled severe acne my entire life. Which would explain to you why I just happened to be at my dermatologist last Thursday. And it should hopefully give you some sort of explanation as to my deranged way of thinking. But just in case you didn't know, acne kills your self-confidence just as fast as a bullet can kill your body. It is a devastating body image disorder. So, rightfully so (at least in my opinion,) I worry about waking up with a face full of pimples. To a horror show as a reflection. And today proved being full of worry prudent. Beautiful skin on Thursday...today my heart drops to my stomach. Why, oh why, oh why?! Like I don't have enough to worry about with my infected lips? The horror show that is acne has returned!

I can't handle this. I really can't.

Everyday I walk on eggshells. I'm ten minutes away from falling apart. I get so worked up I become dizzy. I lead myself into panic attacks. My stomach is constantly a bundle of butterflies. I am my own worst nightmare. And things are so out of control I don't know how to stop.Logically...Logically I know this is absurd and ridiculous. Life is short and I need to treasure the moment for what it is. And behind all this "vein worry" things in my life rule. In fact, they have never been better.

So welcome to my world where contradiction and illogical thought rule. My mind can be a pure nightmare or a beautiful dream. Basically, it's a rollercoaster ride in here. A lot of fun most of the time, but every so often you're going to want to hurl.